Relationship Anxiety: Signs and How to Deal

It’s totally normal to have anxiety when you’re actively putting yourself out there and looking for a relationship (have you seen online dating lately?), but what about when you’re already in one?

Ups and downs are normal, but constant negative feelings about your relationship are not. 

If you find yourself constantly feeling worried about certain aspects of your relationship, from your compatibility with your partner to their feelings for you, and asking questions like, why do I feel uneasy in my relationship? you may be experiencing relationship anxiety. 

Factors like previous negative experiences can set the stage for relationship anxiety. The good news is that it’s almost always possible to overcome it and build a healthy, trusting bond with your partner. 

Below, we’ve explained what relationship anxiety is, as well as key signs that there’s an anxiety issue in your relationship — and, most importantly, how to overcome relationship anxiety.

Relationship anxiety is a term for the feelings of uncertainty, insecurity, worry, and doubt that sometimes arise in a relationship. 

Like other mental health conditions, it can occur even when it feels logically unwarranted — and when everything in the relationship is going relatively well.  

Unlike generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) or specific phobias, relationship anxiety isn’t listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. However, it’s a fairly common issue that can affect people of all ages and backgrounds and at any stage of a relationship. 

If you have relationship anxiety, you may frequently seek reassurance from your partner that things are okay, or you may engage in self‐silencing behavior.

While mild anxiety at some point in the course of a relationship can be normal, if you notice these feelings are becoming all-consuming and impacting other areas of your life, it may be time to talk to a mental health professional. 

As just about anyone in a relationship can tell you, it’s not uncommon to occasionally feel uncertain about how things are going with your partner. 

This is especially true during the early stages of a relationship (AKA new relationship anxiety), when you and your partner have only recently developed a close bond and may not be talking about deeper thoughts or feelings. 

It’s also common — and completely normal — to experience some uncertain feelings following an argument with your partner. However, when it becomes an ongoing issue for one person, it can quickly become problematic for the relationship as a whole.

Because relationship anxiety isn’t an officially recognized mental health diagnosis, it’s difficult to tell how many people are affected by it. However, that doesn’t make it any less real. 

Plus, research indicates that this type of anxiety, when left untreated, can be damaging to relationships. It’s important to address it for a healthy, happy relationship with your partner. 

No two relationships are identical, so there’s no one-size-fits-all list of signs of relationship anxiety. However, many of us experience similar feelings and concerns about the well-being of our romantic lives. 

Potential signs of relationship anxiety include:

• Feeling uncertain about your partner’s feelings for you. You may feel worried that your partner doesn’t love you or care for you, even if you have a strong connection and real love for each other. This type of anxiety may develop after your partner doesn’t return a phone call or takes longer than normal to reply to a text message.

• Worrying that your partner wants to break up. You might feel worried that your partner isn’t happy with your relationship and wants to break up, even if there are no clear signs of this.

• Thinking you’re not important to your partner. You may feel concerned that you’re simply not important to your loved one or that your relationship is a relatively low priority compared to other things.

• Finding it difficult to enjoy happy moments. You may worry about the future of your relationship excessively, even during happy moments such as a night out together or a vacation.

• Obsessing over your partner’s actions. You may worry too much about small things that happen in your relationship, including completely normal things your partner does that you interpret as negative.

Sometimes, these feelings can change the way you behave toward your partner. If you have relationship anxiety, you might:

• Sabotage your relationship. When anxiety clouds your thinking, you may respond by avoiding your partner, starting arguments, or engaging in other activities that sabotage your relationship. This may stem from “hurt them before they can hurt me” thinking.

• Seek out constant reassurance. Research shows that people with interpersonal dependency — a complex that revolves around a need to associate with others — are likely to seek out reassurance excessively. You may find yourself often seeking affirmations from your partner that things are okay and your relationship is moving in the right direction.

• Self-silence to please your partner. In order to avoid upsetting your partner or risking disagreement, you may start to self-silence by not fully sharing your opinions, thoughts, and/or feelings with your partner. 

• Missing out on positive experiences. Over the long term, the changes that occur in your thoughts and behavior due to relationship anxiety can prevent you from having positive, memorable experiences with your partner. 

Experts aren’t sure exactly what causes relationship anxiety. 

Several factors may all play into feelings of worry or concern that have a negative effect on your relationship with your partner — like your first relationships in life. 

Some research suggests that your attachment style — the type of emotional connection you established as an infant with your primary caregiver — may contribute to mood and anxiety disorders as well as relationship problems in adulthood.

For example, one study found that adolescent men with an insecure father-child attachment were associated with higher levels of anxiety and avoidance in romantic relationships. These are often called anxious attachment style and avoidant attachment style, respectively.

The same study stated that young women with an insecure mother-child attachment style were more likely to display higher levels of aggressiveness in relationships.

Another study found that attachment anxiety — a form of anxiety related to a person’s feeling of closeness — drives volatility in daily feelings about romantic relationships. 

This study also found that partners with high degrees of attachment anxiety were more likely to report lower relationship quality after conflict.

Other things that could trigger relationship anxiety for someone include:

• Past trauma: We can’t always escape our traumas, and sometimes, hurt from past relationships can be carried to new relationships. If you’ve ever experienced betrayal, abuse, or had your heart broken, this can set you up for anxiety in future relationships until it’s addressed. 

• Low self-esteem: It’s hard to love someone else well — and trust in a relationship —  if we can’t love ourselves well first. Having a less-than-stellar self-worth and lack of confidence can create doubt about your partner's feelings and commitment.

• Fear of rejection: Nobody likes being rejected, but when there’s a deep-seated fear of abandonment, this can cause a well of anxiety in relationships. This appears to be even more common among individuals who have social anxiety disorder. 

• Trust issues: Healthy relationships require a foundation of trust. If you have trouble trusting others (likely due to past experiences of betrayal or deceit), this may lead to constant worry and suspicion.

• Overthinking: Having a tendency to overanalyze or ruminate over things your partner said, did, or looked at can keep anxiety on a constant high. 

• Communication problems: When one or both partners have poor communication skills, this can increase the likelihood of misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts that contribute to anxiety.

• Comparison with others: Comparison is the thief of joy, and can also create a boatload of anxiety in a relationship — especially when most of what we see is highlight reels on social media.

If you’re experiencing relationship anxiety, consider whether anything on the list above could apply to you and your partner. This might provide a good jumping-off point for moving forward in a healthier, more cohesive way. 

Although anxiety can feel overwhelming, it’s often possible to overcome anxiety in your relationship through changes to your thought patterns and behavior. 

You may benefit from practicing clearer communication with your partner, being more mindful of your partner’s needs and priorities, or simply focusing on relaxing when you run into a situation that makes you feel anxious about your relationship.

Simple techniques to calm anxiety, such as limiting your caffeine intake, taking some time to yourself, getting sufficient rest, and exercising, may help you to keep yourself calm and avoid worrying or overthinking about minor issues in your relationship.

When you feel that you’re acting purely on your feelings, it may help to give yourself a minute to calm down and think rationally. 

Therapy

If you don’t know how to deal with relationship anxiety, speaking to a therapist may help you to find out what’s contributing to your feelings and behavior.

Several different forms of therapy are used to treat anxiety, including cognitive behavioral therapy with an expert. 

Sometimes, the best way to overcome the complexities of anxiety and relationships is to take part in therapy with your partner.

Research shows that therapy with your partner is often effective at improving some aspects of relationship anxiety, such as self-silencing and reassurance-seeking.

You can start this process by talking to a mental health professional who specializes in couples therapy, either in person or online. They can work with you to work through past trauma, improve your self-esteem, and achieve a more secure attachment style.

Anxiety Medications

Since relationship anxiety isn’t recognized as an anxiety disorder in the DSM-5, there aren’t any medications that are specifically approved to treat this condition.

However, if you experience relationship-based anxiety as part of a diagnosable anxiety disorder, such as generalized anxiety disorder or social anxiety disorder, your healthcare provider may suggest using medication to treat your anxiety symptoms.

We’ve discussed some of the most common medications used to treat anxiety disorders in our guide to anti-anxiety medications. 

Actively Improving Your Relationship

Relationship anxiety may stem from one partner initially, but it’s a team effort to repair and rebuild the relationship. This takes intentional work to improve areas that may be damaged and create a stronger bond. 

One helpful technique is to try to slow down in places where you would normally act quickly in response to your anxiety (which takes practice!). If you’re feeling anxious about something, bring it up to your partner right away and talk it through. Otherwise, unaddressed concerns can create false narratives in our heads and do more harm.

Bringing mindfulness to ways you’re showing up in a relationship can allow for more authenticity and opportunities for better communication. This may also include going to couples therapy if there are issues that could benefit from external help. 

Relationship anxiety can be a complicated issue to navigate, and it can look different in different relationships. Below are answers to a few FAQs that may be helpful when you’re thinking about how to stop relationship anxiety.

How long does relationship anxiety last?

There’s no set time for how long relationship anxiety will last, as it depends on the individual circumstances, the dynamics of the relationship, and what work is done to address the underlying issues. Seeking therapy or counseling can help manage and potentially shorten the duration of relationship anxiety.

What if my partner makes my anxiety worse?

If your partner makes your anxiety worse, it's important to communicate your feelings and establish boundaries to protect your mental health. Honesty is key to moving forward. Seeking support from a therapist can also provide strategies to manage anxiety and improve your relationship dynamics.

What’s the first step for how to get rid of relationship anxiety?

The first step in how to get over relationship anxiety is to name that there’s a problem and try to identify the root causes of your fears and insecurities. Seeking professional help can provide effective strategies and support for managing and reducing anxiety.

It’s normal to occasionally experience anxiety in your relationship, especially if you’ve only just started to see your partner. When it becomes ongoing and intrusive, however, relationship anxiety needs to be addressed. 

• It’s personal. Every relationship is different, and we all bring unique benefits and baggage to them. Try not to compare your relationship to someone else’s and instead focus on your unique circumstances and challenges — so that you can move past them in a healthy way.

• Communication is key. If we’re not talking to each other — especially about vulnerable things —  it’s really hard to build a partnership based on trust, openness, and authenticity. Sharing your relationship anxiety concerns with your partner is a good first step toward repair and a stronger bond. 

• Seek outside support. Even relationships need a little extra help sometimes. There’s no shame in finding a mental health expert who can help you individually and/or as a couple to work through relationship anxiety issues.

If you’re struggling with an anxiety disorder or experiencing depression, check out our online resources. If you’re interested in connecting with a licensed mental healthcare provider, start by taking our free online assessment.